Gentle Parenting and Boundaries: Why Limits Matter
Written by Elizabeth Solomon Loyola, PsyD, Founder of Child Psychology Center, a group psychology practice with offices in North San Diego and Sacramento & virtual therapy services statewide in CA
Gentle parenting is often misunderstood. Some people think it means never saying no or letting your child do what they want most of the time, but that is not true. Gentle parenting is about respect, empathy, and guidance while still providing structure. It does not mean there are no rules—boundaries are actually a key part of gentle parenting.
According to Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of The Gentle Parenting Book, gentle parenting is based on understanding child development, responding to children's needs with empathy, and fostering cooperation instead of obedience through fear. This parenting style has gained popularity in recent years, particularly with the rise of social media and increased research on positive discipline approaches.
Children need boundaries to feel safe. Limits help them understand what is acceptable, what is unsafe, and how to navigate the world. Kids are naturally curious, but they depend on their parents to guide them in making good choices. Gentle parenting is not about avoiding rules—it is about setting limits with kindness and consistency, ensuring that children feel supported while learning important life skills.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries help children in many ways:
They create a sense of safety.
They teach children how to interact with others.
They help kids manage their emotions.
They teach responsibility and self-control.
Without boundaries, children can feel lost. They may act out because they do not know what is expected of them. When parents set clear and consistent limits, children feel secure.
Boundaries Are Not Harsh
Some parents worry that setting boundaries is mean. But boundaries are not about control. They are about teaching. Gentle parenting focuses on guiding children, not punishing them. Limits should be clear, fair, and respectful.
For example, imagine a toddler who throws food on the floor. A gentle but firm response might be:
"Food stays on the table. If you throw it again, mealtime is over."
This is a natural consequence. The child learns that throwing food means they are done eating. There is no yelling, shaming, or punishment—just a clear, logical result of their action.
Setting Limits with Different Ages
Toddlers (Ages 1-3)
Toddlers are learning about the world. They need simple, clear boundaries.
Example:
Your toddler keeps climbing on the couch and jumping. Instead of saying, "Stop jumping on the couch!" or “We don’t jump on the couch in this family, ok?”
Try: "I see you want to jump. The couch is not for jumping, but you can jump on the floor or a soft mat."
This teaches them what they can do instead of just saying “no” or providing a vague response. Telling them we don’t jump on the couch and framing it as a question is unclear and doesn’t help the child make a better choice.
Preschoolers (Ages 3-5)
Preschoolers test limits but can start understanding simple rules.
Example: Your child does not want to hold your hand in a parking lot. Instead of forcing them, say:
"You need to stay safe. You can hold my hand or hold onto the shopping cart. You choose."
This gives them a sense of control while keeping them safe. If they refuse, instead of immediately giving a consequence, calmly repeat the limit and give them a moment to cooperate. If they still resist, follow through with a natural consequence, like carrying them or not allowing them to walk freely. This approach ensures they understand the expectation without jumping straight to discipline.
School-Age Children (Ages 6-10)
Older kids understand more complex limits. They need to know why rules exist.
Example: Your child does not want to do homework. Instead of arguing, explain:
"Homework helps you learn. You can do it now and have more free time later, or you can wait, but that means less playtime before bed. You can decide."
This teaches responsibility and natural consequences. Keeping it simple is key though. When parents talk too much, the important part of the message can get lost.
Using Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are a powerful teaching tool. Instead of punishments, they help kids see the results of their choices. They are not mean even though it doesn’t feel good to let your child experience discomfort.
Examples of natural consequences:
If a child refuses to wear a coat, they feel cold.
If they forget their lunch, they might be hungry.
If they do not clean up their toys, they may not find them later.
These lessons stick better than punishments. They help kids think about their actions and make better choices next time.
Parents can also implement the natural or logical consequence when needed. If a child will not sit on the couch safely, then being on the couch is no longer an option. Gentle parenting still recommends helping children see what the consequences are. A punishment in this situation would be taking away the TV, which is unrelated to the behavior. A natural or logical consequence would be having the child sit on the floor, in a parent's lap, or on a chair instead. This approach reinforces safety while teaching them about appropriate choices.
Avoiding Punishment, Shame, and Embarrassment
Punishment can make kids afraid instead of helping them learn. Shame and embarrassment can hurt their self-esteem. Instead, gentle parenting focuses on teaching and problem-solving.
Example: If a child hits their sibling, instead of yelling, try saying:
"It is not safe to hit your brother. I see you are upset. Let’s find another way to express your feelings. Do you want to take a break or want to talk about it?"
This approach helps the child learn emotional control and problem-solving skills. A break instead of a time-out shows your child that when they are unsafe, they have to step away from the situation.
The Role of Parents
Parents are guides, not dictators. Our job is to help kids navigate the world. We set limits with love and patience. We model the behavior we want to see.
If we want our kids to be kind, we must be kind. If we want them to respect boundaries, we must respect them too.
Gentle parenting does not mean saying "yes" to everything. It means setting boundaries in a respectful and loving way. Limits help kids feel safe and teach them important life skills. Using natural consequences and avoiding punishment makes discipline more effective.
Boundaries are not a bad thing. They are a gift we give our children to help them grow into responsible, kind, and confident people.
If you need support in setting boundaries or navigating parenting challenges, seeking help from a professional therapist can make a big difference. The Child Psychology Center offers guidance and support for parents who want to create a balanced and healthy parenting approach. Don't hesitate to reach out for expert help!
Our Services:
Child Psychology Center offers neuro-affirming, culturally competent, evidence-based therapy for children (ages 0+), teens and caregivers. We offer virtual therapy for people throughout all of California, and we offer in-person therapy in Carlsbad, CA and in Sacramento, CA. Our services are available in both English and Mandarin. Our licensed psychologists offer psychological assessments. While our therapists specialize in treating children, we also treat adults. We specialize in treating anxiety, child behavioral problems, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), ADHD, autism, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). We offer parent coaching and consultation. We would love to support you along your journey. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation today!
