Helping Kids Overcome Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety is tough on both kids and parents. It can impact children of all ages, from toddlers to teens. Even older kids may struggle with being away from parents at school, sleepovers, or camps. It can show up at school drop-offs, bedtime, or even during social activities and transitions.
While it’s hard to see your child upset in these everyday situations, avoiding the problem by limiting activities or keeping them at home more, won’t help in the long run. That will actually worsen the anxiety, however much immediate relief it might provide (for your child and you).
Instead, support your child while encouraging independence. Here are some strategies to make goodbyes and transitions easier.
Helping Kids Through Separation Anxiety
Many kids struggle with saying goodbye in different situations. They may cry, cling to you, or beg to stay home. While it’s tempting to let them skip an activity to provide immediate relief, that can make anxiety worse. Instead, try these tips to help them get through it:
1. Create a Predictable Routine
A structured routine gives kids a sense of control. Wake up at the same time each day, plan mealtimes, and establish a clear schedule for school, activities, and bedtime. As your child gets older, make sure they know what the schedule is. Knowing what to expect can lower stress.
2. Keep Goodbyes Short and Positive
Dragging out a goodbye can make it harder. Give a hug, say something like, “I love you! You’ll have a great time. I’ll see you at (such and such a time).” and walk away confidently. If you look worried, your child may feel unsure too. Then, be sure to be there at the predicted time.
3. Find a Supportive Adult or Peer
Talk to a teacher, counselor, coach, or another trusted adult who can help with transitions. If they know a friendly person is waiting for them, it may make the separation easier. A buddy system with a friend or sibling can also provide comfort.
4. Encourage Small Steps Toward Independence
Start with short separations and gradually increase them. For example, let your child play at a friend’s house for an hour, then longer, before trying any overnight stays. With a very young child, stay there in the background for the first visit, so the child knows you are present, but let your child have the time with their friend. This helps build confidence over time.
5. Provide a Comfort Object
A small, familiar object can help them feel secure. It could be a note in their backpack, a bracelet, or a tiny stuffed animal they can keep in their pocket. Pre-teens or teens may enjoy making a friendship bracelet that you both wear as a way to remind them that you’re always thinking of them. We therapists call this a “transitional object”.
6. Reward Brave Behavior
Praise your child when they handle a separation well. Say, “I noticed you walked into school confidently today! That was so brave.” You can also set up a reward chart to track their progress. They can work towards a healthy reward after a few successes, say a healthy snack, an extra TV show, a new book, game or stuffed animal.
How to Deal with Separation Anxiety at Bedtime
Some kids struggle with being alone at night. They may ask to sleep in your bed or refuse to stay in their room. While it’s okay to comfort them, it’s important to set firm expectations for independent sleep.
1. Have a Bedtime Routine
A consistent routine signals that it’s time for sleep. Try activities like a warm bath, reading a book, and dimming the lights. Keep bedtime at the same time every night. Go through the same steps in the same order each night. This may challenge your own sense of order and routine.
2. Create a Safe and Cozy Room
Make their bedroom a place they enjoy. Let them pick out comfy sheets, a nightlight, or a stuffed animal to cuddle. Some kids like calming music or a white noise machine.
3. Use a “Check-In” Strategy
If your child has trouble staying in bed, tell them you’ll check on them in five minutes. Then extend the time between check-ins. This helps them feel safe while learning to fall asleep on their own. Be sure to actually check in as scheduled.
4. Don’t Give In to Sleeping Together
Letting your child sleep in your bed may help in the moment, but it reinforces the fear. Instead, remind them, “I know you can do this, even though it’s hard.” If they wake up and come to your room, gently guide them back to their bed. This can be difficult because it’s more disruptive to your own rest perhaps than letting them into your bed, but you’re working on long-term skills and goals.
5. Use a Reward System
Set up a sticker chart or small immediate rewards for nights they stay in their room. Praise them for their efforts, even if they’re making small progress.
6. Help Them Relax
Teach your child ways to calm their body. Deep breathing with extended exhales, imagining a happy place, or squeezing a favorite stuffed animal can help them settle down.
Encourage Confidence
Let your child know that feeling nervous is okay, but they can learn to handle it. Remind them of times they’ve been brave before. Avoid saying things like, “You don’t have to go if you’re scared.” Instead, say, “I know this is tough, but I believe in you.” Or, “We can help you learn to do this.” Use the suggestions above as a blueprint.
If separation anxiety is persistent, severe and doesn’t improve, a therapist or child psychologist can help. At the Child Psychology Center, we can teach coping skills and provide extra support for your child, and for you as parents. We can individualize the suggestions above to fit your particular child and family, and you as a parent, too.
Helping your child through separation anxiety does take patience, and yes, often quite a lot of commitment. With consistency and encouragement, they will learn they can handle being apart from you. And soon enough, those tearful goodbyes will turn into confident waves, happy experiences for your child, and even joyous reunions after successful experiences!
Our Services:
Child Psychology Center offers neuro-affirming, culturally competent, evidence-based therapy for children (ages 0+), teens and caregivers. We offer virtual therapy for people throughout all of California, and we offer in-person therapy in Carlsbad, CA and in Folsom, CA. Our services are available in both English and Mandarin. Our licensed psychologists offer psychological assessments. While our therapists specialize in treating children, we also treat adults. We specialize in treating anxiety, child behavioral problems, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), ADHD, autism (ASD), and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). We offer parent coaching and consultation. We would love to support you along your journey. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation today!
