Addressing Behavior Problems Without Shame
Written by: Elizabeth Solomon Loyola, PsyD
Parenting is often tough.
Some days, it feels like all you do is correct your child’s behavior. The eye rolls, the sarcasm, the refusal to do homework, the emotional meltdowns — it can be exhausting.
When kids act poorly, it’s easy to react with frustration. Maybe you were raised with discipline that relied on shame or fear, so that’s what comes naturally.
But here’s the thing: shame doesn’t teach. It hurts and it creates fear.
If you grew up with harsh discipline, you might find yourself falling into old patterns that are familiar and feel almost automatic. Maybe your parents yelled, shamed, or administered punishments to correct behavior, and now you’re trying to do things differently with your own kids. But breaking the cycle isn’t easy—especially when you’re stressed, tired, or dealing with a child who is pushing every button of yours. The good news is, you don’t have to be perfect; in fact, being the perfect parent isn’t even possible. You just have to be willing to learn and try new approaches.
Why Is My Child Having Behavior Problems?
Before we can address a behavior, we want to change, we must understand where it’s coming from. Kids don’t wake up and decide with deliberation and forethought, “I’m going to make my parent’s life difficult today.” Their actions have a reason, but the reason is not to make their parents suffer.
Maybe your teen is seeking attention, feeling neglected. Maybe your middle schooler is struggling with a new social situation. Some kids experience sensory overload – just too much stimulation, while others lack the coping tools to handle stress. And sometimes, kids just want control over their own lives, even if it means they make poor choices.
Imagine your teenager refuses to come home on time. If they’re pushing curfew, they might be craving independence, struggling with peer pressure, or testing your boundaries to see if you’ll enforce them. A younger child talking back might be trying to assert their autonomy. A high schooler shutting down completely might be overwhelmed with school pressure, or peer pressure. The behavior looks like defiance, but the various reasons behind it changes how we should consider responding.
The Problem with Shame
Shame tells a child, “You are bad.” It makes them feel small, unworthy, and unlovable. A child or teen who feels ashamed may stop a behavior in the moment, but not because they understand why it’s problematic. They stop because they feel embarrassed or afraid of your reactions.
Let’s say your teenager lies about turning in an assignment. If you say, “You’re irresponsible. You’ll never succeed like this,” this won’t help them learn responsibility, follow through, or task completion. Rather, they will learn that their mistakes make them a failure. They may try harder next time, but out of fear, not genuine motivation. A toddler tries sneaking a snack from the pantry right before dinner, after you’ve already told them twice it wasn’t snack time. If we raise our voice, “I told you it’s not time for a snack! Stop trying to sneak things from me!”, we aren’t really teaching them why this behavior is an issue. We don’t want them to try to become sneakier with their snacks, we want to help them understand why it’s not okay to eat a snack right before dinner.
Children and teens who experience shame-based discipline may become secretive, avoiding honesty or self-disclosure to escape punishment and humiliation. They might also struggle with self-worth, believing they are inherently flawed.
Shame doesn’t build better behavior—it builds fear, resentment, and distance in the parent-child relationship.
How to Teach Your Children Without Shame
So how do we teach kids right from wrong without shaming them? It starts with respect and understanding. We don’t excuse bad behavior, but we also don’t label a child as bad. We focus on helping them understand their own behavior and then learn a better way.
Shifting Away from Shame-Based Parenting when Your Child Lies
If your teenager gets caught in a lie, instead of saying, “You’re a liar!,” try, “I know being honest can be hard, but it’s important for us to have trust in our relationship. Let’s talk about what made you feel like you had to lie.” This approach doesn’t let them off the hook, but it creates a space for them to be more honest in the future. And then follow up with, “Let’s talk about how you can be more honest next time.”
Shifting Away from Shame-Based Parenting when Your Child Shirks Responsibilities
If your middle schooler refuses to do homework, instead of yelling, “You’re so lazy!,” try, “I’ve noticed you’ve been avoiding your work. What’s going on? Are you feeling overwhelmed, perhaps?” Sometimes, what looks like defiance is actually anxiety or avoidance and frustration. Then say “Let’s talk about how to get organized and get this homework done.” Or. “Let’s discuss how I can help you work on this.”
Shifting Away from Shame-Based Parenting when Your Child has an Outburst
When your child slams a door in frustration, you might be tempted to snap, “Don’t you dare slam doors in my house!” Instead, you can say, “I see you’re really upset. Let’s talk when you’re ready.” Then, “What’s built up to that level of frustration?” And, “How can you express this in some other way?”
These responses don’t mean you allow dishonesty, disrespect, or shirking responsibilities. Rather, it shows that you care about the emotion that’s happening behind the action — which will in turn help change the problematic behavior.
Allowing Natural Consequences
Natural consequences also work well in helping children to learn. If your teen refuses to wake up on time, they’ll be late for school and then faced with whatever the consequences might be present at school. If they blow their allowance, they won’t have money for extras. Children who don’t clean up their room, may have trouble finding their favorite toy or stuffed animal. These lessons teach responsibility without making kids feel like they are bad people.
Building a Stronger Connection With Your Children
The goal of discipline isn’t to make kids feel bad. It’s to help them learn about themselves, about their behavior, and to help them grow. When we approach behavior challenges with empathy, we build more trust. Empathy tells the child feels you care about their feelings. A child who trusts you is more likely to listen to you. A teen who feels safe with you is more likely to come to you when they make mistakes or face challenges. And isn’t that what we really want?
So the next time your child or teen misbehaves, pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself, “What is my child trying to tell me with this behavior?” Then respond with curiosity, caring, and guidance, not shame. It won’t always be easy, but over time, you’ll see something amazing—your child learning, growing, and becoming the kind of person you hope they’ll be.
If you find yourself struggling with these challenges, you don’t have to do it alone. A therapist at the Child Psychology Center can help you and your child navigate behavior issues in a supportive and constructive way.
Our Services
Child Psychology Center offers neuro-affirming, culturally competent, evidence-based therapy for children (ages 0+), teens and caregivers. We offer virtual therapy for people throughout all of California, and we offer in-person therapy near San Diego (in Carlsbad, CA) and Sacramento. Our services are available in both English and Mandarin. Our licensed psychologists offer psychological assessments. While our therapists specialize in treating children, we also treat adults. We specialize in treating anxiety, child behavioral problems, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), ADHD, Autism, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We offer parent coaching and consultation. We would love to support you along your journey. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation today!
