How Your Attachment Style Shapes the Way You Parent
Written by: Hannah Ewert, PsyD and Elizabeth Loyola, PsyD
Have you ever felt completely overwhelmed by your child’s emotions? Or noticed you react strongly to things your co-parent brushes off?
These moments could be connected to your own attachment style.
Attachment theory doesn’t just explain your kids’ behavior and emotions—it also helps us understand ourselves. Your attachment style is the invisible script that guides how you respond to closeness, conflict, and emotional needs—in your relationships and in your parenting.
Dr. Ewert recently gave a talk about Attachment Across the Lifespan to help parents explore how their own attachment histories impact their relationships—with their children, partners, and themselves. The focus was on building awareness, making space for reflection, and learning how to repair after disconnection or conflict. Whether you're parenting solo or navigating co-parenting, understanding your own attachment style can help you lead with compassion instead of reactivity.
What Is an Attachment Style, Really?
Your attachment style develops in early childhood based on how your caregivers responded to your needs. These early patterns become internal templates for how you see relationships, trust, conflict, and support.
It’s important to note that attachment styles aren’t fixed categories. Even if you generally have a secure attachment style, certain stressors—like parenting challenges or relationship conflict—can bring out avoidant or anxious responses. Similarly, someone with an insecure attachment style may respond more securely in some relationships than others. These styles are fluid, and awareness helps us make more intentional choices.
The four most commonly recognized attachment styles are:
Secure: You feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. You trust others and yourself.
Anxious: You crave closeness but often worry about being rejected, not good enough, or too much.
Avoidant: You value independence, feel uncomfortable with vulnerability, and may shut down emotionally.
Disorganized (or fearful): You want closeness but also fear it, often due to early trauma or inconsistent care.
Most people fall somewhere along a spectrum and may shift depending on the situation or relationship.
How Your Attachment Style Affects Parenting
Anxious Attachment in Parents
You might feel responsible for your child’s every emotion. When they’re upset, you feel panicked. You might over-explain, over-apologize, or hover, trying to protect them from any perceived danger. You may fear you’re not doing enough—even when you’re already doing everything.
Avoidant Attachment in Parents
You might get uncomfortable when your child is emotional or clingy, or you might feel overwhelmed by your child or co-parent’s emotions. You may withdraw, dismiss, or avoid hard conversations. You might feel safer focusing on tasks than feelings.
Secure Attachment in Parents
You can stay present with your child’s emotions without feeling consumed by them. You offer comfort, set boundaries, and trust the connection even in conflict.
Attachment styles are fluid, and even parents who feel generally secure can find themselves reacting anxiously or avoidantly in specific situations—especially under stress. For example, a securely attached parent might typically respond calmly to a child’s distress, but after a particularly exhausting day, they may suddenly feel overwhelmed and pull away or snap. Recognizing this doesn’t mean something is wrong—it means you’re human. Noticing these shifts helps you return more quickly to a connected and grounded place.
Questions to Ask When Exploring Your Own Attachment Style
Self-reflection can bring powerful clarity.
Parenting & Attachment — Reflection Questions:
What did I learn about emotions growing up?
What do I teach my child about emotions?
How do I respond when my child is upset or needs comfort?
Do I feel overwhelmed or shut down in parenting conflicts?
Do I tend to take my child’s behavior personally?
Do I struggle to repair after conflict?
You might also notice how you respond to your partner, friends, or your own parents—these clues often point to long-standing patterns in your relationships.
Shifting Patterns Starts with Awareness
You don’t need to change your entire personality. Simply noticing your reactions creates space to choose a new one.
Four tips to help shift patterns in parenting:
Pausing before reacting and taking a deep breath
Naming your own emotion aloud: "I'm feeling overwhelmed"
Letting go of perfection and embracing good-enough parenting
Practicing repair with your child: "I got frustrated. That wasn’t your fault. I want to try again."
This can be an overwhelming process to tackle by yourself. You don’t have to do it alone! Therapy or parent coaching can also help you rewrite patterns and develop more secure ways of relating.
You Can Change the Cycle
You don’t have to parent the way you were parented. Every moment of reflection, repair, and reconnection moves you and your child toward secure attachment.
When you show up with curiosity and compassion—for your child and yourself—you are building emotional safety. And that safety becomes the foundation for your child’s lifelong resilience.
Want to explore your attachment patterns in a supportive space?
At the Child Psychology Center, we offer therapy, parent coaching, and co-parenting support that honors both your child’s needs and your own. Let us help you build connection from the inside out.
Our Services
Child Psychology Center offers neuro-affirming, culturally competent, evidence-based therapy for children (ages 0+), teens and caregivers. We offer virtual therapy for people throughout all of California, and we offer in-person therapy near San Diego (in Carlsbad, CA) and Sacramento. Our services are available in both English and Mandarin. Our licensed psychologists offer psychological assessments. While our therapists specialize in treating children, we also treat adults. We specialize in treating anxiety, child behavioral problems, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), ADHD, Autism, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We offer parent coaching and consultation. We would love to support you along your journey. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation today!
