Building Connection with Your Child Through Attachment
Written by: Hannah Ewert, PsyD and Elizabeth Loyola, PsyD
When your child shuts down, yells out of nowhere, or won’t talk to you about what’s wrong, it’s easy to feel helpless. Are they being disrespectful? Avoidant? Overly dramatic?
Often, what looks like defiance or withdrawal is actually a sign of something deeper: an attachment need.
Attachment theory helps us understand how children develop trust, emotional safety, and resilience—and why our responses as parents matter so much, especially in the hard moments.
Dr. Ewert, one of Child Psychology Center’s psychologists, recently gave a talk about Attachment Across the Lifespan to help a group of local moms understand what secure attachment looks like at different ages, how to respond in ways that deepen connection, and what to do when things feel like they’re going wrong. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present, curious, and willing to repair.
What Is Attachment? (And Why Does It Affect Everything?)
Attachment is the emotional bond that develops between a child and their caregiver. When children experience warmth, consistency, and responsiveness, they form what researchers call a secure attachment. This becomes their emotional foundation—it teaches them that the world is safe, that people can be trusted, and that their feelings matter.
What Traits Do Children with Secure Attachment Tend to Show?
Seek help when needed
Manage frustration more effectively
Form healthy friendships
Develop strong empathy and problem-solving skills
Believe they are lovable and capable
The best part? You don’t need to be a perfect parent to raise securely attached kids. You just need to show up, again and again, in ways that help your child feel seen and safe.
Attachment in Action: What It Looks Like Across Ages
Toddlers Who Say "Go Away!" (But Mean "Stay Close")
It’s easy to see toddlers as irrational. One minute they cling to you, the next they scream, "Don’t touch me!" But these contradictions are signs of trust. They’re testing: Can you handle my feelings? Will you stay calm even when I’m falling apart?
Your 3-year-old throws a toy and yells, "I don’t like you!" You kneel beside them and say, "That was a big feeling. I’m here, and I’ll help you calm down."
They may resist your hug—but they hear the message: I'm safe even when I'm mad.
School-Age Kids Who Retreat Instead of React
By elementary school, many kids have learned that expressing big feelings isn’t always welcome. Instead of yelling, they shut down. A secure relationship invites them back in.
An 8-year-old comes home quiet and withdrawn. Instead of asking a million questions, you sit beside them and say, "You seem like you're holding onto something big. Want to talk or just be quiet together for a bit?"
You’re showing: I notice, I’m not pushing, and I’m not leaving.
Teens Who Act Like They Don't Need You
Teenagers need independence—but also emotional anchoring. A securely attached teen may resist rules, but they also know they can come home to empathy and structure.
A 15-year-old breaks curfew and tries to avoid eye contact. You resist the urge to explode. Later, you say, "That scared me. I need us to have clear expectations. I also know you’re figuring things out, and I’m still here for you. I’d like us to figure this out together.”
How Parents Build Connection Every Day
1. Be Curious About Behavior
Start with the question: What might my child be trying to express through this behavior?
A tantrum, silence, or backtalk is often a clue that something deeper is happening.
2. Respond Before You React
Instead of jumping into discipline, pause and offer connection.
Example: "You’re having a tough time. I’m here to help."
This helps your child calm down enough to hear guidance later.
3. Repair and Reconnect
If you yell or overreact, come back and own it: "That wasn’t the way I wanted to handle it. I’m sorry, and I’m working on it."
Repair teaches emotional safety and models accountability.
4. Connect in Small Doses
5-10 minutes of undivided attention—a board game, a walk, baking cookies—can be more powerful than an hour of distracted time.
Let your child lead, and put your phone away.
5. Offer Boundaries with Empathy
You can say no with kindness.
"I won’t let you hit. I know you’re upset. Let’s take a break together until you're ready to try again with gentle hands."
When It Feels Too Hard: You're Not Failing
Every parent has moments where they lose it, shut down, or miss the cues. That doesn’t break the attachment bond—how you come back is what builds it.
Let’s say you scream during a chaotic bedtime, then feel guilty. Later, you say, "I was tired and overwhelmed. That wasn't okay, and I'm sorry. I love you. Let's make a plan so bedtime feels better tomorrow."
These moments of reconnection teach your child that relationships can bend without breaking—and that people can be safe, even when they mess up.
Connection Over Perfection
Attachment isn’t about getting it right every time. It’s about staying present, being willing to learn, and showing your child that their feelings are welcome.
If your child feels safe coming to you when they’re angry, scared, or hurt, you’re building something powerful.
And if you don’t always know what to do? That’s okay too.
Parenting isn’t about being flawless—it’s about being real, regulated, and ready to reconnect.
Want extra parenting support in California?
At the Child Psychology Center, we help parents build stronger, more connected relationships through therapy, coaching, and practical tools. Whether you're navigating toddler meltdowns or teen defiance, we’re here to help.
Want help applying these strategies at home? Our team offers parent coaching and therapy to support stronger communication and connection. Let’s work together to make things easier.
Our Services
Child Psychology Center offers neuro-affirming, culturally competent, evidence-based therapy for children (ages 0+), teens and caregivers. We offer virtual therapy for people throughout all of California, and we offer in-person therapy near San Diego (in Carlsbad, CA) and Sacramento. Our services are available in both English and Mandarin. Our licensed psychologists offer psychological assessments. While our therapists specialize in treating children, we also treat adults. We specialize in treating anxiety, child behavioral problems, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), ADHD, Autism, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We offer parent coaching and consultation. We would love to support you along your journey. Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation today!
